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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26769703">be selfish</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/owotoya/pseuds/owotoya'>owotoya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fictober 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Uta no Prince-sama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluffy Ending, Heartbreak, M/M, Pain, communication between a damaged couple, fictober day one, otorei, otoya cries, otoya doesnt know how to talk about his feelings and neither does reiji, talk about relationships, talk of breaking up, this is sad but with happy ending, vomit warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:41:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,721</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26769703</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/owotoya/pseuds/owotoya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Otoya has had a difficult time accepting that Reiji neglects their relationship. Confrontations aren't his favorite thing in the world either. </p><p>There is a scene where Otoya vomits, so please read at your own risk.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ittoki Otoya/Kotobuki Reiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Fictober 2020 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>be selfish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello!<br/>This is much different from what I usually write.<br/>I hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The many instances that Otoya has disliked seeing Reiji leave has led up to this moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There have been a significant number of times that Otoya can recall nearly bursting into tears whenever Reiji left for work without a goodbye. He felt as if his own boyfriend was neglecting him, tossing him aside for the idol business that they both care so much about. Even so, as much as Otoya loves being an idol, he has always put Reiji before anything else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And maybe that is his issue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unlike everyone else in the world, Otoya doesn’t know how to consider himself for even a second. He’s always figured that whoever he ended up with in the future would love him just as much as he loves them. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wait, just because Rei-chan leaves without saying goodbye doesn’t mean he stopped loving me, right? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Did… he even love me to begin with? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya wants to stop thinking. Every time he thinks, the idea of Reiji using him always comes up. What would he be using him for? Otoya always assumed that maybe Reiji is bored. He needs someone to coddle and once Otoya can’t provide for him anymore, he will toss him aside and find someone else that can fit the “kouhai in distress role.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya has never had such negative thoughts before. He remembers feeling so happy when he confessed to Reiji and he wasn’t rejected. The start of their relationship was wonderful and though they never went far, kissing and holding hands was always enough for Otoya. He didn’t feel the need to take their relationship any further because he knew, even if they didn’t sleep in the same bed, even if they didn’t have sex, Reiji was his and no one else’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya has come to believe that he was wrong about this. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe if we had sex, Rei-chan would say goodbye to me. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya has known for a while that he isn’t good enough. He’s known that he can’t seem to satisfy people. He can’t please everyone and that bothers him more than anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya is kneeled in front of a toilet, vomiting to his heart’s content as he thinks of what to say to Reiji. The anxiety of approaching him about something like this has quite literally made him sick to his stomach. He can’t remember the last time he’s thrown up. He’s always been so happy-go-lucky with no worries. He rarely ever got sick as a child and even if he did, he was right back on his feet in no time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So why has he become so weak? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya spits what is left in his mouth and then proceeds to flush the toilet. He stands from the ground and wipes at his lips, hurrying to the sink to brush his teeth. Once he finishes, he steps out of the bathroom and saunters to his bed, almost lazily picking at the covers and hiding underneath them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reiji will be home in a few hours. He’ll be home and he’ll sit at his desk and do his work until the sun comes up. Then he will leave again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya can’t bear it anymore. He knows. He knows Reiji is trying. He knows Reiji is tired, and yet all he can think about is how Reiji’s workload is affecting </span>
  <em>
    <span>him </span>
  </em>
  <span>and their love life. He continues to think that it is unfair that he has given up so many idol jobs for Reiji while Reiji has given up none. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya’s eyes water and he groans in frustration. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Those negative thoughts again… Please go away. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>By the time Otoya awakens, he can hear a pen tapping. He is underneath the covers and there is a light shining through the warm blankets. He pulls out of them and allows his eyes to adjust as he looks around. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like Otoya predicted, Reiji is sitting at his desk, writing in a notebook with his favorite pen. The lamp beside him shines brightly against the white paper. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya sits up, pushes his bangs back so his hair isn’t in his face. He hasn’t brushed it in a day or two. He’s been too depressed to do something as simple as that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya stands from the bed and makes his way over to Reiji. At first, he stands behind him, thinks to himself, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m going to tell him I’m angry. </span>
  </em>
  <span>However, the more he stands there, the more he watches Reiji work without even noticing Otoya behind him, Otoya knows that there is no point in starting a fight. They’ve never fought before and Otoya doesn’t want to </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever</span>
  </em>
  <span> fight with Reiji. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, Otoya walks closer so that he is standing beside Reiji. Reiji glances up at Otoya and immediately smiles. His eyes are tired, that much is obvious. He has clear eye bags and if Otoya wasn’t so blindsighted, he would notice the smile lines that have formed on Reiji’s face. “You slept early, Otoyan,” Reiji comments. Otoya doesn’t recall falling asleep. He doesn’t recall anything but sadness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya suddenly scoots closer to Reiji. Reiji seems a bit surprised at first, but welcomes him with open arms. Otoya takes the opportunity to sit on his lap. He wraps his arms around Reiji’s neck and keeps his feet planted on the ground to hold his weight. Reiji wraps his arms around Otoya’s waist and kisses his neck. Otoya can feel the butterflies. He can feel himself falling in love with Reiji all over again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As his tears spill, he shakes in Reiji’s arms. Reiji stays silent, unmoving. Otoya isn’t sure if he can tell that he is crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are so many moments that Otoya has felt like he can take on the world and this isn’t one of those moments. He feels selfish and disgusted with himself for putting Reiji’s feelings before his. He wishes he could go back and get rid of all the negative thoughts he had before. He wishes he could stop himself from being so pitiful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Otoyan has had a rough time, right?” Reiji suddenly speaks and Otoya hiccups. Reiji’s grip around him tightens. “I’ve abandoned you. I’m sorry.” Hearing it out loud makes Otoya’s eyes water more. Knowing his feelings from before were valid gives him hope that he wasn’t being cruel and selfish. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Rei-chan,” Otoya manages. He still feels the need to apologize. He still feels the need to beg for forgiveness. He still wants Reiji to love him, but he doesn’t know how to control something like that. He doesn’t know how to make Reiji feel anything for him anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be sorry, Otoyan,” Reiji responds. His voice is so soft, so kind. Otoya feels comfort in hearing it, but at the same time, he feels awful. “I’ve been leaving you for work. I felt bad every night, because I knew you were probably hurting. I didn’t want to make it seem like I disliked you, but it looks like I did a pretty bad job, huh?” Reiji laughs. There is a few minutes of silence afterwards. “Otoyan, I understand if you want to take a break. You look like you need one.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reiji pulls away from the hug, just enough so he can look at Otoya’s face. Just at the thought of taking a break, Otoya can’t stop his waterworks. He’s seen it happen before. Whenever someone in the relationship mentions breaking up, that usually means that’s what they want. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Reiji has given up on him. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Rei-chan,” Otoya says again. He looks panicked now. His heart is hammering against his chest and he can barely catch his breath. “I should have been better… I’m so sorry.” Otoya wipes at his face with his sleeves. He tries to ignore the way his eyes burn the more he presses on them, the more he tries to get the tears to stop flowing. His stomach hurts again and he knows for certain that he is going to have to sit on the bathroom floor for a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Otoyan, didn’t I tell you? You have nothing to be sorry for.” Reiji kisses Otoya’s neck again and pulls him forward. “I shouldn’t have said that. I just don’t want to see Otoyan cry like this ever again. It’s breaking my heart.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Otoya snivels against Reiji’s shoulder. Eventually he lifts his head and presses his nose against Reiji’s cheek. “I don’t wanna break up,” he says quietly. “I don’t want Rei-chan to go. I’m sorry for being selfish. I want to keep Rei-chan with me forever, but I know that I shouldn’t want that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reiji raises a brow. “Why shouldn’t you?” Reiji gives Otoya a playful smile, leans back so he can tap Otoya’s nose. “I feel the same way. If I could, I would take my precious Otoyan everywhere I go.” Otoya can't help the small giggle that escapes his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really, Rei-chan?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really.” Reiji’s smile softens and he brushes a strand of hair behind Otoya’s ear. For now, Otoya has stopped crying. He’s only thinking about the fact that Reiji openly admitted to wanting Otoya around. That means Reiji hasn’t given up on him yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Otoyan,” Reiji speaks after a few moments of silence. Otoya blinks a few times and focuses only on Reiji. “Communication is key in relationships. Did you know that?” Otoya nods slightly. “If you didn’t tell me how you felt, it would have been hard to approach you about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reiji pulls Otoya in for another warm hug. Otoya feels safe on his lap. “I don’t like to make assumptions about how Otoyan feels. I could tell you were upset, but I didn’t want to approach you and make it worse.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hearing Reiji’s explanation, everything is starting to make sense. Reiji always tends to keep to himself whenever something negative comes to light. In fact, it’s almost like he tries to avoid conversations like this at all costs. Otoya is the same way. He hates when the air becomes gloomy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Otoyan, if you feel like I’m not doing something to satisfy your needs, it’s okay to tell me. I want you to be selfish sometimes, okay?” Reiji squeezes Otoya’s sides and Otoya giggles again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You too, Rei-chan,” Otoya responds. His eyes are no longer filled with sadness. They are filled with love and admiration. “I want you to be selfish too.” </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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